|
||||||
|
Isn’t it interesting that a rebadged Toyota Matrix, the Pontiac Vibe, has had no problems. But, there is a recall because it is a Toyota. Government Motors is all powerful. A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.” “Where’s Barack Obama’s clock?” asked the man. “Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.” She obviously didn’t hear what the people were saying. She is a Democrat…. Congratulations to Scott Brown and to the people who voted him the new Senator from Massachusetts. If the president signs a repressive health care reform I will not ship any product from my business for a month. I would like to see all small businesses, whether they can afford to do so or not, do the same. Obama is the shepherd I did not want. A Mexican, an Arab, and a Florida girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’ The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he’s a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’ The Florida girl cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill she says, In Florida we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’ God Bless Florida A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’ God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?” God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.” God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “That’s Maryland , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance…” God smiled, “Right next to Maryland is Washington , D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.” Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?” ? “I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master!… The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!”
From the Hoover Institution at Stanford (Via Dinocrat.) iowahawk: Obama Like Me? Roman, Please: “Tooooooo Funny!” A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies. ‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband. ‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife. Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’ On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’ Obamlet: “To surge, or not to surge: that is the question: (Via AMERICAN DIGEST.) Bob Hope On Democrats Monday, Thought For the Day: “  “ (Via Webutante.) Those bumper stickers were free but they cost us $24,000 each. A word from Kristofer Harrison: “ Kristofer Harrison served as the Chief of Staff to the Counselor of the Secretary of State during the Bush administration. Mr. Harrison writes to comment on Paul Mirengoff’s post ‘No class, bad character’ on Dick Cheney’s speech this past week, Stephen Hayes’s Weekly Standard article ‘Obama’s minions are ingrates,’ and my post on both of them, ‘No class, bad character: The inside story.’ Mr. Harrison writes: (Via Power Line.) Gardasil Shows Why Government Health Care is Dangerous: Brave New World” I told our pediatrician that our daughter would not be given any extra vaccinations including Gardasil and Flu vaccines. H2O2 works better on the flu and the common cold. (Via The American Thinker.) "Evil Maid" Attacks on Encrypted Hard Drives: “maid” (Via Schneier on Security.) PRUDEN: Obama’s Third World press rant – Washington Times- “Well said!” (Via The Washington Times.) John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John’s favorite rooster, Hussein, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Hussein’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John’s amazement, Hussein had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Hussein, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Hussein the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly Hussein was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention. Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible. We give thanks to you, heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ your dear son, that you have protected us through the night from all danger and harm. We ask you to preserve and keep us, this day also, from all sin and evil, that in all our thoughts, words and deeds we may serve and please you. Into your hands we commend our bodies and souls and all that is ours. Let your holy angels have charge of us, that the wicked one may have no power over us. Amen. Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.” Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.” Now Obama has stolen your shovel , taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land. God help us. |
||||||
|
Copyright © 2010 The Missouri Mule - All Rights Reserved |
||||||
