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Names

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You
all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s [...]

Ageing is a joy!

ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. JIM was falling asleep but Barb was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then [...]

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?,” she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
He replied, [...]

Ponder This

Why do super markets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to [...]

Touchdown Fart

A little old couple prepares to go to bed.
They no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man farts and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife let one go and
says, “Touchdown, tie score!”

After about five minutes the [...]

The Differences Between Men and Women

The Differences Between Men and Women

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, [...]

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some [...]

Great One Liners

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’ Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, [...]

Handy Engineering Conversions

Many of these are politically incorrect, hopefully.

· Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

· 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

· 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

· [...]

Washington Redskins

The new name will be The Washington Froreskins, in honor of all the pricks in Washington, DC.

Episcopalians

A guy dies and goes to hell. Before his own eternal torment begins, he’s given the grand tour. As the tour goes on, he sees souls suffering in any number of ways. Finally, he’s shown what appears to be a sumptuous banquet – beautiful linens, Wedgewood dishes, cut crystal goblets, sterling silver utensils and candelabra, [...]

Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will [...]

These are “jokes” you can repeat at work, though they may not work quite as well at home.

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is [...]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And… [...]

How it All Started

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, [...]

George Carlin

Saving The Planet.

Revenge in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asks a girl in the research section: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: “No, I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”

All the students in the library started staring at the [...]

Bus Stop Quiz

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have [...]

Dying Priest

In Washington, D.C. . an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before [...]

The Bronze Rat

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and [...]

John Prine and Iris DeMent – In Spite of Ourselves

John Prine and Iris DeMent – In Spite of Ourselves

And this one by Steve McLain and Michaela terrine McLain

Little Billy

The teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

She ask Little Billy and he responded: “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris [...]

Best Looking Woman

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, [...]

Ever wondered who first uttered the phrase…

“You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember [...]

Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for [...]

Divorce Agreement

The person who wrote this is a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all. DIVORCE AGREEMENT THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, [...]

You could have heard a pin drop.

JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60?s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?”

DeGaulle did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England, [...]

$100

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.

Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little [...]

Never squat while wearing your spurs – Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the Greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a [...]