SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some [...]
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’ Lillian , you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, [...]
The new name will be The Washington Froreskins, in honor of all the pricks in Washington, DC.
A guy dies and goes to hell. Before his own eternal torment begins, he’s given the grand tour. As the tour goes on, he sees souls suffering in any number of ways. Finally, he’s shown what appears to be a sumptuous banquet – beautiful linens, Wedgewood dishes, cut crystal goblets, sterling silver utensils and candelabra, [...]
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will [...]
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is [...]
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, [...]
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asks a girl in the research section: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: “No, I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the [...]
You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have [...]
In Washington, D.C. . an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before [...]
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and [...]
John Prine and Iris DeMent – In Spite of Ourselves
And this one by Steve McLain and Michaela terrine McLain
The teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
She ask Little Billy and he responded: “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris [...]
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, [...]
“You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember [...]
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for [...]
The person who wrote this is a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all. DIVORCE AGREEMENT THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, [...]
JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60?s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?”
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
When in England, [...]
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little [...]
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the Greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a [...]
Rumor has it that Congressman Anthony Weiner is going to run for president.
He has chosen Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.
Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.
Dear President Obama:
I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request.
First and foremost, I will be asking that you return America to its August 20th, 1959 borders so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen.
An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight.
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in
The United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to
tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it
Brought forth water, he thought, [...]
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
Little Johnny is not an Obama fan. A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he [...]
I do not like
this Uncle Sam,
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. – Leno
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a [...]